- Well, I have to pee too. - I'm gonna be done in a sec.
What are you doing?
I want you to spread your legs.
Oh, my God.
Oh, fuck.
These girls are taking fucking forever.
- Are you okay? - I'm dying.
Guys, come on. Let Mark in. He has to go.
Do you feel that?
Come on, guys. His back teeth are floating. Be nice.
Fuck it.
Use the bushes.
Fuck.
Hey, I'm Mark Wayland, and I live in a house with two lesbians.
My name is Jenny Schecter.
- I'm Shane. - And this...
...is gonna be a document of my journey.
Initial observations and theories.
What mak es you think that lesbians don't fuck?
Where do you live, Mark? It's entirely possible.
I'm Dana Fairbanks.
I thought it would totally ruin my career, but it didn't.
People thank ed me.
These girls talk about everything.
My name is Carmen de la Pica Morales.
I was 16 back then...
...and I fell madly in love with Lucia Torres.
She was Pablo Fuentes' girlfriend.
You just... You didn't fuck with Pablo's girl.
But I did.
- This is Alice... - Pieszecki.
I don't miss it.
No. There's ways and things.
I don't know if that's, lik e, strictly a lesbian thing or what...
...but, man, these girls are all up in one another's business.
This is so much more complicated than that.
- Now, I know... - Yeah, where's the fucking pussy?
Look, the hidden cameras are still in place, so I can get more footage.
But already what I've shown you here is a big step up...
...from Bare-Knuckle Backyard Brawls and Wild Women of Encino.
This could be really huge for us.
What's great about this project is it's not just about sex.
These women, they have a way of life, a culture of their own.
And it's revelatory. It's anthropological.
If we just... if we do this right, this could so easily be at Sundance.
I'm praying to God you're fucking kidding.
Gomey, get my back. You know what this means to me.
Yeah, I do.
Eat a dick.
Look, just from a marketing perspective...
Here's a little tip for you, Wayland. I'm the marketer, okay?
I know our audience: men.
Red-blooded, testosterone-crazed American men...
...do not give a fuck about some kind of anthropological bullshit.
We want hot, lesbian sex, and we want it now.
You're in direct violation of your contract, okay?
And I expect you to return every penny of the money I advanced you.
You hear what I'm saying?
So you thought about it?
Have I thought about what?
About what we talked about.
The toys?
Oh, you mean the sex toys?
- Can I ask you something? - Yeah.
Ask away.
Is it a bisexual thing?
Trying to have your cake and eat pussy too?
- No, it's not a bisexual thing. - Okay, good.
Because, wait, I don't wanna do that with you.
If you're trying to make me a man because there's something missing...
- ...then go ahead... - Dana.
Many bona fide lesbians...
...find strapping it on the ultimate way of fucking.
And I think it would be hot for you to fuck me like that.
Okay?
How does it compare?
Private education, travel, fascinating life experiences.
I just don't see...
...how you envision any judge or jury finding you the superior choice.
As you wish.
Hey.
- How are we this morning? - I'm good.
- I'm excited about the ultrasound. - Oh, that's right.
Well, just tell me a time, and I'll swing by the office and pick you up.
I'm going with Bette, remember?
Oh, that's right.
Okay, so...
...why don't you just come by here afterwards, yeah?
Dr. Wilson's office is so close to my apartment.
Why don't you just come to me?
Helena.
Look, it's fine, you know? I'll...
I'll call you when I'm on my way over. We'll go out for dinner.
Okay?
Annie wants to shoot her old-Hollywood style.
Louis B. Mayer, something like that.
Then get her ready for her lunch at the Grill...
...with the writer of her next feature.
- Do you mind telling me who this is? - The writer?
No, the person who hired me. I don't know who it is.
The story's about the most powerful woman in Hollywood.
You are brilliant. I fucking love that idea!
I fucking love you, and I wanna French kiss you.
And if you weren't such a faggot, I'd fuck you.
- When is Benjamin coming in? - Tomorrow at 6.
He's gonna check in at the hotel, then head over.
So he's not staying with you?
- Because his wife...? - Well, it's not like she's gonna find out.
But he's just...
What?
I just... l just don't want you to get hurt.
I'm not gonna get hurt. I knew going in what the deal was.
And I'm fine with that.
- Oh, you think I'm a fuck-up, don't you? - No.
- Yes, you do. - I do not think you're a fuck-up.
I don't. I think you're amazing.
I see how you've turned your life around...
...and I'm in awe of how together you are these days.
I just know the situation.
And no matter what, I mean, there's always someone who gets hurt...
...and I just don't want it to be you.
Well, he's not on tour now. He's just coming to see me.
Well, he's obviously crazy about you.
I'm preparing this very special dinner for him.
Lara has ordered lobsters from Maine.
Benjamin loves him some lobster.
Well, you just...
You look out after yourself, okay?
I love you.
Oh, would you bring me back one of those x-ray pictures of the baby?
- Please? - Okay.
- I love you. Thanks for breakfast. - You're welcome.
Cover of the New York Times Magazine.
- Pretty good, huh, Shane? - Yeah, it's pretty great.
- I don't know why you requested me. - You do hair, don't you?
Apparently, that's your life's ambition.
- Don't fuck with me. - How am I fucking with you...
...when I offer you the world on a silver platter?
What's so wrong with seeing the potential in somebody...
...and giving them a chance to make something of themselves?
Did I underestimate you, Shane?
Or did I just mistake you for a person of substance?
No.
I think you mistook me for one of your little tricks...
...who'd let you slap her around...
...and be grateful for the privilege of taking your shit.
Are we getting to some core issues, Shane?
- Poor Shane. - Fuck you.
What about the possibility that I'm right about you?
That you really are better than this life you're living?
Veronica, listen to what I'm saying to you.
I have no magic. And there is no mojo.
So whatever it is that you think you're looking for, it doesn't exist.
Okay?
Then why don't you do my fucking hair.
No, thank you.
Hello.
- Burr will be a minute. Have a seat. - I thought that he'd fired me.
I wouldn't let him. You're too good for one another.
Another drink. More twist, less ice.
Can I have a Chardonnay, please?
You are a compulsive excavator of your own emotional navel lint.
A nitpicking, obsessive truth-teller.
And Burr could stand a bit of literary pediculosis.
Does that hit a little too close to home?
- Are we self-loathing body mutilators? - Of course.
Can't wait to read about that in your stories.
I hope you're not a cutter.
Listen, Jenny. You actually have a gift to portray the details of a life lived.
I think non-fiction may end up being your métier.
It's why I want you to work with Burr.
- You need to get him to tell you stories. - I don't want to. I don't like him.
- He's a homophobe. - Hi.
- Hi. Hi, darling. - How are you?
- Good. How are you? - Good.
Hello.
- You remember Jenny Schecter. - I do.
Apparently we're destined for one another.
Thank you, Suzie.
- All right, what do you think? - Here's a way to think about it:
An inch in diameter is two fingers inside of you.
An inch and a half is three fingers inside of you.
The silicone ones are easiest to sterilize, and so you can share.
- How do you sterilize them? - Pop it in the dishwasher.
But don't forget to take it out before the maid comes.
Oh, look, this looks... This looks fun.
Oh, now, that's very popular. Everyone's a winner.
- Yeah? - I kind of want you to, you know...
- Yeah. - Anyway.
I don't know.
I don't even know where to start. There are so many shapes, sizes.
Well, are you into semi-realistic? Realistic?
These ones here, Champell, Leo and Randy, are all the semis.
And up here, King Kong and Tyrannosaurus Rex...
...these are very like the real thing...
...and they come in black, purple, blue, teal, red, hot pink...
...chocolate, vanilla, combination marble swirl.
- There's disco glitter. - Do you want that?
And King Kong and Tyrannosaurus Rex both come in camouflage.
In case you're screwing in a war zone.
- Oh, look. Hairy balls. - Oh, that's just wrong.
If you look at the base...
...they come with a suction cup to attach to the hotel window.
Oh, look.
Hey.
- No, that... - That's a butt plug.
The boys like those. They get inside and tickle the prostate.
Although the girls do like them too.
If you use it with a harness...
...you can detach the dildo, leave the butt plug inside...
...while you do other things.
What, like the dishes?
By the way, we have a great new lube.
It just came today. I highly recommend this.
Oh, you know, I think I'm allergic to that kind, so...
- Strawberries. - What...? What haven't you done?
I haven't done lots of things.
- If you need any help, give me a shout. - All right. Thanks.
Oh, shit. it's Melanie Caplan.
- So? - So...
Why don't we get a cock ring?
Is that our baby?
That's your baby, and those are her fingers.
Very well formed, yeah.
Isn't she amazing?
Oh, it's like she's waving at us. Look.
She's showing you her profile.
So I guess I'm being dragged, kicking and screaming, to a place of tolerance.
I don't really like the idea of being tolerated.
What's wrong with tolerated? Better than being spat on.
Because it implies that there's something unacceptable...
...about my being gay.
Frankly, I think it's perfectly acceptable for a girl these days.
Men actually find it hot.
- What's with the double standard, Burr? - Oh, don't be a prick, Charlotte.
Look at any male actor today.
There's not a self-proclaimed queer in the bunch.
- Does anybody give a shit anymore? - They give a shit.
You think they'd pay a guy what they pay me if his fans think he's a faggot?
All the millions you've collected, what have you got to lose?
I was speaking hypothetically, darling. We're not really talking about me.
I thought we were.
Don't twist my words, Charlotte.
I know you take pleasure in it, but be warned, sweetheart.
Know how many lawsuits I've won...
...against people who've tried to accuse me of that?
Are you threatening me?
I think you might wanna organise a little legal defence fund...
...for their beloved professor.
Fuck off, Charlotte.
- Hey. - Hey.
I wanna tell you that I agree with what you said, man.
- You do, huh? - I do.
Because the thing is, if some male actor were to come out and say:
" Fuck, yeah. I'm gay"...
...that would be a huge gift to the world, but it would destroy their career.
Exactly right.
And don't worry about Charlotte, you know. She's an asshole.
She's not God, you know.
- I wouldn't be so sure about that, Jenny. - Fuck.
Jenny, if you still feel like working on the book...
...be at my house tomorrow night at 8:30.
Thank you.
That was really nice.
Thank you.
I really loved being there with you.
I loved it more than you can imagine.
Come here.
You feel so good.
You smell good.
Touch me here.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my fucking God.
Are you sure it's okay?
I don't know, babe. I think it looks a little dyke-ish.
Welcome to the club.
I'm joking. I like it a lot.
So, what do you think that bitch wanted from you?
I don't know. She's a fucking freak.
Damn, you know, I was just about to ask you to hook it up.
You were gonna ask me to call Veronica Bloom?
I had a minute of thinking if she saw my project, she might be into it.
- Why didn't you say something? - No.
Just a fleeting thought. Don't worry about it.
- Do you have any other leads? - No.
No?
Well, look, maybe I'll get another job with a studio head.
Or maybe I actually will have a next job.
Yeah, you and me both.
Yeah?
- Hey. - Hey.
Jenny's at work.
- Yeah. She's waitressing. - Yeah.
So...?
I just wanted to talk to you about some stuff.
- You're cutting hair. - Yes, I am.
You know what? I have got a ton of work I need to be doing right now.
- I'll clean this up when I... - No, I have it. No, I got it.
Okay.
- Hey. How are you? - Hi.
- Thank you. - Yep.
What's up?
It's that, Shane... It's...
I feel lik e there's something going on with you, and I'd lik e to know what it is.
Look, I just...
Oh, fuck, you know, it's... it's hard for me...
...to have you and Jenny in my face all the time.
- You're having a hard time with it? - Yeah. I'm happy for you guys.
It looks like you two are having a blast together...
...and that's a very good thing there.
Then why would it be so hard for you?
Now, Shane, I want you to look at me.
I know how hard you work...
...to keep yourself at a distance from everyone else on the planet.
But it's not working for you anymore.
- It's working fine. - No, it's not.
It's not, because of this.
Okay? Do you feel this?
Most people don't have this. This is rare.
- So what? - That's right.
So what?
So what if nothing comes out of this? So what if you'll never act on it?
You are so convinced that having a relationship near you...
...is gonna kill you.
Because it will.
And that's why I'm with Jenny.
It works because she and I are both biding our time...
...waiting for the real deal to come along.
Yeah?
You don't think you and Jenny are the real deal?
No.
Jenny wouldn't know what the real deal was if it bit her in the ass.
She is so lost in her own darkness.
I think she lik es it in there.
But do you know what's fuck ed up?
Is that you and I know what the real deal is.
We saw it the first time we laid eyes on each other.
- Bette, I just wanted to tell you that... - I know, I know.
This doesn't mean we're back together. I know.
Let's not let it mess everything up.
It won't. I promise.
- We were doing great. - Yeah. Great.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Bye. - Bye.
You're not living your life, Shane.
And if you don't take any risks...
...then you might as well be dead.
Fuck me.
- Hi. - Hi.
Come in.
Are you...?
You're not ready to go.
Do you mind if we just stayed here tonight and ordered in?
I just... I don't feel like being out in public.
We could go back to my place.
Is there a problem with staying here?
No. No, there's...
- ...no problem. - Good.
Yeah.
Are you having some kind of hormonal surge here?
- Fuck you. - That is what you seem to want.
It is, actually.
Yeah.
I just wanna fuck all night.
And I wanna fuck and fuck and fuck.
Okay, no, you know, I'm not... I'm not so sure that I like this.
- I don't think I like this. - Why not?
Because you're not acting like yourself, and I'm not sure that I like it.
I see. ls it my apartment? ls it just too ordinary for you?
Or, you know, maybe it's that you need to be in control all the time.
Or maybe you need an audience. That's it. That's what works for you.
I don't think you're interested in sex unless there's risk...
...or someone's watching, or something else is going on.
Here we go.
Hey, we're about to have sex. You wanna come in...?
Tina, your neighbours.
My neighbours. That is a wonderful idea.
You're so fucking hot.
We're about to have sex, me and my girlfriend.
Wanna come watch us? We're just gonna fuck!
Have you gone mad?
I don't know. What do you think?
Think I'm fucking crazy?
- Are you turned on? - No, I think...
I think your hormones are raging out of control...
...and I know better than to reason with you.
Fucking hormones. What, I'm not allowed to have actual feelings now?
Tina, I've been through this before.
Winnie was a monster at this stage in her pregnancy.
And look at you and Winnie now.
I think I'm gonna go now. I'm gonna call you tomorrow.
No. No, I need you now. I need you tonight. Stay here.
- I don't think so. - Stay here!
I think you need to be alone.
Let's be alone, okay?
What am I doing?
I don't know how it happened.
I don't know. I mean, we were working so hard at forging this friendship.
Do you think I fucked it up by having sex with her?
- Do you think you fucked it up? - I don't know.
I mean, what did it mean?
I don't think she wants to get back together.
Do you wanna be back together with her?
I don't know.
How did it feel having sex with her?
It was fucking amazing.
It was just fucking amazing.
It was like...
...all of the reasons that we fell apart just disappeared...
...and it was like I had...
it was like I had my life back for just one second.
And it was also really sad.
Sad? How so?
Because I've lost her.
Because we don't...
Well, like she doesn't belong to me anymore.
I could feel someone else had been touching her and making love to her...
...and I felt that other person...
...and I felt her connection to that other person, you know?
And she did things that we had never done together.
And it was like she was so free.
- Free? - Yeah.
I had always treated her so gingerly, like she was some kind of fragile thing.
Now, even though she's pregnant, it's like she's unbreakable.
I don't...
it was shocking, I guess. It was shocking.
It was shocking that she was so...
...sure of herself.
Bette...
...Tina's been through some major ordeals over the past year.
Your breakup, a new career, her pregnancy.
These things can change a person, make them stronger.
Don't you think it might be a good thing?
Of course it's a good thing.
It just means...
...she doesn't need me anymore.
Hey, Mark, I need those Burr Connor DVDs back.
Hello?
Mark?
This is the piece Christo did between '80 and '83 down in Miami.
We've included images from Michael Heizer, Robert Smithson...
...Walter De Maria, Dennis Oppenheim, and, of course, Andy Goldsworthy.
I talked to Allyn about commissioning a new piece.
Of course, we'll have to do more fundraising.
How about if I just add it into the budget?
Helena.
I'm sorry, we're just in the middle of a meeting.
I'm offering to underwrite Allyn's entire retrospective.
I don't want money to be a deciding factor on any creative decision.
- Do you have a budget? - I do.
Well, I'd like to see it.
I'm not really ready to present it yet.
But I will show it to the entire board.
That's not really how I like to work.
Well, it's the only way I can work.
I can deal with Leo on this, if you'd rather.
- Can we just have a separate meeting? - Absolutely.
Great.
I'm just going to sit here and listen for a while.
Okay.
Why don't you show Helena your proposal...
...for dealing with The Passage of Time?
You don't think you and Jenny are the real deal?
No.
Jenny wouldn't know what the real deal was if it bit her in the ass.
She is so lost in her own darkness.
I think she lik es it in there.
But do you know what's fuck ed up?
Is that you and I know what the real deal is.
We saw it the first time we laid eyes on each other.
- Hello. - Hi.
- How are you feeling today? - Same as yesterday.
You're coming over to my house tonight.
Are you sure you wanna see me?
What if I have some sort of hormonal fit?
I'm sorry, that was...
That was uncalled for on my behalf.
Accept my apology?
Look, if you want me in your life...
...you just have to understand one thing, okay?
I'm not some sort of toy that you can take off the shelf and play with...
...whenever it suits your mood.
- Do you understand? - Yes. You...
- You're not a toy. - And if we have a disagreement...
...the fact that I'm pregnant, it's not fair game.
I don't wanna be reduced to some raging hormonal lunatic.
It'll never happen again.
Good.
- So do I see you later on? - Okay.
Good.
See you later, darling.
Bye.
- You all right? - Yeah, I'm all right.
- I just fell down. - What a hit.
Be with you in a sec.
We gotta stop.
- That'll leave a mark. - I'll be all right.
- Okay. - All good.
Okay, that's it.
- Good work. - Let's do it again.
- Hey. Jenny, Roy. - Hello.
- Roy, Jenny. - Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.
- You ready? - Great.
Come on over.
- How are you? - A little sore.
- But I'm all right. - Yeah? That's awesome.
Cool.
- Okay, so... - Okay.
So you got all your stuff?
You can use your little tape recorder today.
- What's the matter? - Nothing.
- Something's the matter. - Nope.
You sure?
Jenny.
Jenny, stop.
No, no, no. Come on.
No, please. Please, let me do my job.
- I'm sorry. Just ignore me. - No, no, no.
I have such bad hay fever. Please, please.
- Please? - It's okay. Come here. Come on.
Okay? it's okay, all right?
- Is everything all right? - It's perfect.
Don't worry. Lara is working her magic.
Excellent.
Hello?
Hi, baby. Where you at?
Oh, no.
What happened?
The hospital?
No, no, I understand.
No, I hope her mama's okay.
No.
Oh, no, no. Don't even worry about it, okay?
It's your family...
...and you have to be there for them.
Yeah, it's okay.
So just call me next week, okay?
And I hope everything works out okay.
All right. Bye, now.
- What? - I guess... l guess...
So is dinner off?
Just put it on the menu and sell it, okay?
- Hello? - In the kitchen.
Hey.
Thank you.
- Did you cook all this? - I gave Sandra the night off.
You mean we're completely alone?
It looks amazing.
I was actually thinking of becoming a chef at one point.
You're just full of surprises.
Now, look, I know you're not supposed to...
...but this is too good to miss.
Just a sip.
Now, come with me.
I'm gonna sit you down...
...and wait on you hand and foot.
I don't deserve it.
Forget about deserve.
Deserve suggests you have to work for it.
Just think, " I'm entitled to it."
I like that.
It couldn't have been worse timing.
But you found your strength and you hung on.
Good for you, Ryan. Thanks for sharing tonight.
Hey, pretty lady. Looks like you have something you wanna share tonight.
Hi.
- I'm Kit. - Hi, Kit.
Hey, Kit.
And I got stood up tonight.
I got stood up and I...
I looked over at that bottle of wine...
...sitting on the table that I set for him...
...and I just said, " Fuck it, " you know? I don't want that bottle of wine.
But I'm just so damn lonely that I just wanted to be around...
...somebody who would listen to me.
So I came here.
We're glad you came, Kit.
- So this is where you spend your time. - Yeah, this is the place.
- Oh, there's my girl. Hey. - Hey.
Hey, baby.
God, I am so exhausted.
I had to dance two sets back-to-back. My feet are killing me.
Iris, I'd like you to meet Kit.
- Sorry. Nice to meet you. - Same.
So you wanna hang?
- I got a table over here. - Great.
No, I really don't wanna be the third wheel.
- Oh, Kit, come on. - No, no.
Look, Kit's had a really rough night.
She in the program? Come on.
So you know each other from the program?
Kit owns the Planet.
Oh, right, that lesbian place you invested in.
It's not only a lesbian place, you know.
Although, a lot of my customers are lesbians, but...
Yeah, lvan's tried to take me there a few times. it's not my scene.
Well, maybe you shouldn't pass judgment until you've been there.
I just don't hang out with lesbians very much.
It's too much drama.
I remember when lvan and I started seeing each other about five years ago.
And there was this one time...
- Wait, wait, wait. Five years ago? - Yeah.
Baby, it's been about that long, right?
You mean you...? You've been seeing each other for the last five years?
You know what? I gotta work.
Seems like you two have some unfinished business.
I mean, you've been doing Miss Thing and trying to romance me?
You're going down a real bad road here.
Oh, it's a very bad road, a road of lies.
We never discussed monogamy. We didn't get that far.
But if we had, I would've explained that it doesn't work for me.
And I would've told you to fuck off.
I'm not trying to win an argument, but didn't you just stand up...
...and announce you're seeing a married man?
Oh, don't you even go there.
You, of all people, better not even try to pass judgment.
You are deceiving someone, okay? You're lying to somebody's wife.
And the way you live your life?
I wanna get the fuck out of here.
I don't...
Excuse me.
I'm such a fucking idiot.
I should've... it was so obvious that all of this was gonna happen.
It happens, Jenny.
Doesn't make you an idiot.
Every time I think everything's going really well...
...and, you know, I try really hard...
...it all fucks up.
And I think that...
...maybe I'm just one of those people that doesn't deserve to be happy.
Bullshit.
- Everyone deserves to be happy. - I don't know.
We all do. We all deserve to be happy, Jenny.
Most of us just don't have the balls to take responsibility for it.
You're facing your demons head on, and that is something I've never done.
You wanna look at someone who has fucked up their life?
Take a look at me.
What did you do?
Okay, I'm gonna tell you something now.
Okay.
My life ended 20 years ago...
...when I destroyed the one person who meant anything to me in the world...
...because I was too fucking scared to be happy.
He had a good career too. He didn't deserve to go down like that.
Rod Sebring, right?
Love of my life.
You're a fag.
Yep.
Card-carrying member of the cocksuckers' club.
Yeah.
What did you do to him?
I had my publicist plant an item in the tabloids...
...after I caught him fucking a PA.
Can't say I blame him for screwing the kid.
I made him so fucking miserable.
Why would you do that if you loved him so much?
I loved him so much.
And now I got thousands of people kissing my ass. Everybody loves me.
I fuck who I wanna fuck.
It's secret. Anonymous, you know.
I pay them or threaten them to keep quiet.
And I'm alone.
You got it right, girl. Believe me.
I honestly don't know what the fuck I was so afraid of.
It's not too late.
Do you know why?
You're so lovely.
I'm afraid it is too late, Jenny.
It is for me.
I'm not like you.
- Now, you do realize that you're fired. - Please don't fire me.
- No. - I can't be fired from another job.
You don't wanna work for me.
You're too good to churn out press-kit pabulum for an old closet queen.
You are gonna come up with something.
I feel it radiating from you.
But hear this:
if you're ever tempted...
...and I read something about this anywhere...
...l will have you killed.
- You think I'm kidding? - No.
Good. Because I'm not.
They just finished it this morning. This is Wilson's room.
Jun Ying has always wanted a canopy.
I think she thinks she's Marie Antoinette.
Oh, God. Let's hope Lady Guinevere or something.
They're lucky kids.
There's one more.
One more?
For you.
And for her.
I don't know what to say.
It's...
it's dazzling. it is so beautiful.
It is truly amazing. I...
But, Helena, I...
it's for when you both stay.
I just did it because I wanted to.
Okay?
I hope you like it.
Both of you.
What do you mean? What kind of show?
Just hang on.
- All right, well, do you need help? - No, no, I just...
God, this thing's so complicated.
- You all right? - Yeah.
Is it one of those Miu Miu things where you don't know where the straps go?
Sort of.
- Okay, you ready? - Yeah, I'm totally ready.
Don't laugh, okay?
Fuck.
Who's laughing?